Jay and Bethany talk about all kinds of good stuff, including wearing leather and speedos, social anxiety, the queer trans community, cockroaches, drinking, drugs, bad singing, not fitting in, depression, cross-dressing, being yourself, being happy under any circumstance, and finding friends who like you for who you are.

Jay says “Back in my day you had to carry your queerness uphill, both ways, barefoot, in the snow…” We’ve come a long way, baby!  Thanks in no small part to people like Bethany and Jay.

Bethany and Jay

And thanks also to Shelley Segal for today’s Apocalyptic Love Song, which was inspired by and is dedicated to Hitch.

Yes I understand that my whole life is just a blink of an eye
In the history of the earth, as with each moment that goes by,
But this moment that I am with you
It feels like time has stood still,
It feels somehow like it matters,
And that it always will.

And I think that’s what being alive, and being in it together, is all about.

(Well that, and snacks.)

~Amy

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As part of my un-vowing process, one thing I wanted to do was to ask Daniel Mackler some questions about celibacy, dating, sex, relationships – and I recorded the conversation so all y’all could eavesdrop.

What a day, what a life, what a world – and whatever, whatever.
Amen

little carsie offers her opinion on all this

Oh and have you downloaded Carsie Blanton’s new album yet?

Have you heard that she gives her music away?

So just go listen already!

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Encouragingly, at the end he says “The only way you’re going to understand what I’m saying is if you’re psychic.”  Um, so, yeah- good luck with that.

Today’s closing number is from Portland’s Fred Van Vactor, who says this is his real name, and who has some fun songs for us to enjoy in coming episodes – so get ready for a quirky dance party coming your way.

In the meantime, I’m a gonna stop talking now.

Amy

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Jonathan and Briel skyping for this podcast

Yep you heard me, my firstborn child is now an engaged man.  If you want to hear them give the blow by blow of how this happened, this show is just for you.

“I don’t need a holiday to send love your way….”
(Thanks Jake Snider!!)

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Today’s musical endnote is provided by “Griz,” and background kitty noises provided by my sister’s cats, Tara and Piper.

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Why would Daniel ever be in a romantic/sexual relationship?

Why would an enlightened person ever be in a romantic/sexual relationship?

Are there times when relationships help people grow?

What does Daniel think about commitment and contracts?

And more!

PS:  I’ve been getting some feedback that these shows take “f o r e v e r” to download – and that these long episodes are even worse.  Alls I can say is: sorry bout dat.  Guess we’re getting what we’re paying for…

So thanks for your patience.  A good reminder to breathe, right?

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Part of what gets me all muddled up is that I can’t find a way to reconcile the things that Daniel says about relationships with the things my kids say about relationships.

Another thing that gets me muddled up is that I still haven’t even been able to identify whether my past relationships were fundamentally “good” or “bad.”  Not a great place to start when looking for decisive clarity.

The only thing I can possibly say at this juncture is, to be continued….

And also I could say: Thanks Jake Snider for sharing his tune with us, “Real Life.”

Rockin’ it out, bewilderment notwithstanding-
Amy

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Today’s topics include…
-Is it a boundary violation to intrude on someone’s false self?
-How do you distinguish another person’s true self from their false self?
-What do healthy adult humans really need?
-Can being “in love” be a part of a healing path?

And in the end Amy confesses some of her deepest desires… to hide and to be alone.  So then why the heck do you have this podcast? Daniel asks.  I KNOW RIGHT!? (And out loud I said, politely, “Yeah well, it’s been a struggle…”)

Yours in blah blah blah,
Amy

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And other things too.

“Love” is the topic of today’s interview, and in it we talk about healthy and unhealthy kinds of love, mature and immature kinds of love, having crushes and being “in love.”

At the end I asked Daniel a little bit about his own history with these things, why he chose to be celibate, and whether his celibate lifestyle is a “for now” or a “forever” thing.

The adventure continues…

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However, in his experience and observation, most (if not all) romantic ties have “comfort” as their primary purpose, even when it hinders growth and requires compromise of the true self.

What do you think?

Post your comments, rebuttals and questions here (if you feel like it,) and we’ll address your feedback in a future episode.

Also, if you sometimes get confused by talk of “intimacy” and “boundaries” (’cause I do, just sayin’,) Daniel has a pretty succinct way of cutting through the psychobabble and giving some nice simple definitions. I like that.

I was trying to think of a good April Fools joke to play, but my kids pointed out that April Fools jokes are usually just mean, so never mind. But have a fun first day of April anyway!

xoAmy

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Do I plan to be celibate forever?
Do I miss sex?
Do I regret my past relationships?
What’s with my love affair with Philadelphia?
What have I learned from doing “Season 5?”

And as Paul discovered today, if you want to know anything more about “what I think about orgies” it’ll cost you a dinner (including ample leftovers for my kids).  At least.

And once again, today’s music is all thanks to the lovely Alexandra Day.

xo~Amy

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What were the good and hard things about your past relationships?
How did you know when it was time for those relationships to end?

And perhaps most importantly, so what DO you think about orgies?? (Spoiler alert: no further answer provided.)

in the back yard of our Santa Barbara house 1975ish

San Diego on New Years Day 2008

We’re also treated to another song from Alexandra Day’s new CD called Fall’s Last Kiss.

Hope you enjoy it.

Amy

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Then she asked me to talk about my most recent thoughts and feelings about sex and love, and I blithered about something along those lines.

Carsie Blanton sings the song of hers that I consider my sex/love theme song* – not a pretty sight.  But at least now maybe you’ll understand the need for some celibacy around here.

Amy

*The characters depicted in this song are fictitious. Any similarity to any person living or dead is merely coincidental.

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What started as a little game turned into a whole movement… with lots of surprise endings!

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Today Bob shares his experience of and views about:
- why people choose to enter an open or polyamorous relationship;
- the challenges and benefits of being in an open or polyamorous relationship;
- some common mistakes and misunderstandings about these kinds of relationships;
- what makes relationships healthy, whether monogamous or otherwise.

If you’re curious to hear more about this unconventional way of living and loving, then here you go….Have at it!

The song I played at the end of today’s show (“Millionaire Girlfriend”) made me “lol” – thank you Jonathan Coultan (and thanks to Bob for finding him).

xoAmy

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The reason I think she’s brave is – if you have a traditional religious upbringing,  choosing a life of non-monogamy (and being open about it!) is a sure-fire way to make some people think badly of you.  (Just sayin’.)

But Bethany is not deterred! and today shares with us about  her love of freedom and her relationships, giving up control, growing past jealousy, dealing with  insecurity, her drive to be independent, and the time it takes to grow up.  She also sings to us at the end. Like I said, our lucky day.

xoAmy

PS: Bethany loves her parents, and if they should happen to listen to this interview (or even if they don’t) she is sorry if it somehow makes them feel uncomfortable.

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On November 8th, Thor turns 30. I wanted to do something really meaningful to honor him. And what does Thor care about more than almost anything? Sex. So here’s the idea:

I am proposing a challenge to us all to have sex 30 times in the 30 days before Thor turns 30.

At least, that’s our goal. You may have more or less, but the point is to have as much as possible during that month, in Thor’s name.

The challenge will begin October 6 and will end with a party at the C&S Club (21+) on the night of Saturday, November 6 at 9 o’clock (only because November 8th is a Monday, and who wants to have a party on a Monday?). We’ll bring some snacks, cake, and non-alcoholic beverages. Alcohol is available for purchase at the bar.

At the party we will have t-shirts for all who participated in the challenge, with the option to proudly display your number for all to see. There will be prizes awarded for highest numbers in the couples, single female and single male categories. There will be consolation prizes for any zeros out there. You may, of course, choose to keep your number to yourself, but you won’t be eligible for any prizes.

Many of you are out of town, and some may not want or be able to come to the party for various reasons. We would still love for you to participate, perhaps as a boost to your relationships or just to give yourself a little more fun.

Please, don’t keep this to yourselves. Anyone, anywhere can join in. Spread the word. Invite your friends to join the movement and/or come to the party. During the month, post your numbers on your Facebook status to cheer each other on. Together, we can make the world a better place.

FAQs

Q: What Is Sex?
A: When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, blah blah blah … Oral or intercourse culminating in yada yada yada.

Q: What, is Thor some kind of a pervert?
A: Takes one to know one.

Q: Not all of us are able to participate in the challenge, are you trying to rub it in?
A: Of course not! We understand that there are lots of reasons that many of you don’t want to, can’t, or shouldn’t be having sex right now. We still want to party with you, so come on over. You don’t even have to be happy for us.

So who can pass up on that?! (Especially if you don’t even have to be happy for the lucky couple?!)

Party on,

Amy

WWA’s “music guy” Ryan Tennis wrote a song (written and recorded in an hour or so) just for the occasion called “Everybody Wants To.”  I think you’ll like it.

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Anyway – about ten years ago I sent my son this letter, and he replied “thanks.”  (I loved that response.)

In the letter I talked about circumcision, masturbation, porn, kissing, sex, homosexuality and sexual abuse.  In today’s show I review all that, plus add a few of my latest thoughts about casual sex as well.  A little bit of everything.

Thanks again to Bar Scott for her musical contribution to my life.

Cheers,

Amy

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Sorry folks, not only is it possible, it happens all the goddam motherfucking time.  (Or is it just me?  Maybe we can hope.)

To hear more of the talented Brittany Ann’s music, check her out on myspace, and if you want to own a CD with the intro music of this show – plus another hour of rockin’ a cappella tunes – contact Gray Tennis and he’ll make it happen.

I think I need to go get drunk now.

xo~Amy

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I couldn’t take the discomfort any longer, so I took three steps toward fixing the awful feeling I’ve always had about the episode I did back in the spring called “Young Hot Guys Part One,” which were:

1. I deleted the old show
2. I made this new show
3. I gave myself a punishment (which you can find out about if you listen)

I guess the good thing about doing a bad show is you all get to sit back and watch me squirm.  Hope you’re having fun!

~Amy

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“For the first time in my life, I want to be friends with someone who has been my partner, and I feel entirely unsure how to do that. In my past, I’ve imagined that it was easier to extinguish a cherished relationship, than to submit to the pains and uncertainty of its metamorphosis. My breakup instincts have been molded by the impulse to stamp out the possibility of any further relationship with an ex.  Accordingly, I find myself an inadequate teacher for the lesson I’m determined to learn.  I’m sending this email to you because I’m looking for mentors and role models so I might teach myself to be a friend to him. He deserves it and so do I.”

He said other wise and wonderful things too, but this gives you the gist. I feel so pleased and proud to have such cool people as this in my life.

Anyway, what happened next was, I recorded this podcast, cuz it just seemed like too good a topic to pass up.  Thanks for the great idea, you smart friend you!

And BTW, if you enjoy the Hezekiah Jones number at the end of the show, and if you live in Philly, you should put the next Clubhouse Concert on your calendar and come join in the fun.  Jus sayin’.

Amy

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Actually, I like thinking about sex, and asking about sex, and listening to other people talk about sex… it’s just the “words coming out of my own mouth” part that gives me a problem.

What about you?  Am I the only one?

Squirm, squirm, whatever, amen.

~Amy

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Although a salient case could be made that the topic is the least of my problems… it’s the actual vow that really leaves something to be desired.

Once again, I haven’t listened to this, and Jonathan didn’t have a chance to fix it up.  Just Amy in the raw.  Whoopie!

I want to thank Ryan Tennis for being my “music guy-” he’s been collecting tunes for me to play.  When he sent this one by Chris Kasper (To The Other Side) all he said about it was “it’s about death.”  Which seemed somehow to be just the right thing to play on a show about celibacy.

Party woo,

Amy

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“I’m a young man and I’m really into sex,” (which according to Thor is “perhaps the most not-profound thing one could ever say.”)

“Enjoying sex is a good thing.”

And furthermore,

“It’s like… duh.”

I’ll say no more… just go listen and hear him yourself.

xo~Amy

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Some of you might know I’ve been pretty opposed to “marriage” for many years.  Yet I’ve come to see an enormous flaw in my position, which is – I have NO idea what “marriage” really is.  And before you get your hopes up – no, today’s podcast doesn’t give much in the way of answers.

Being “in favor” of marriage is no better or worse than being “against” marriage, when “marriage” is so poorly defined in the first place (if ever really defined at all).  Some people manage to craft a marriage (or non-marriage) that works well – and many people like that readily admit that their secret is “luck!”

I’d like to find a way to improve our chances.  I’d like to have a world of rational, useful definitions of “marriage” that empower, deepen and enliven human relationships, and I’d like there to be a system in place – or at least a commonplace practice – that builds community support for these relationships.

Pretty please?

xo~Amy

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I figured, it had to be done – we need to give listeners a sense (albeit vague and dissatisfying) of where we’re coming from, in hopes of illustrating how we’ve learned the things we’ve learned.   Next week we’ll follow up and share some of those actual learned “things” (if we can think of any).

In the meantime, if you don’t know about show from the 70′s, Free To Be You and Me (which I quote in today’s show) – it’s time we amend that situation. Pronto.  With soundtracks like “It’s All Right To Cry,” “the No-Friends Club” and a song about a boy who wants a doll – I don’t know how a person can be properly balanced and politically correct without it.

The quote bears repeating again here (and everywhere)- the final sentences from one of the stories:

“Perhaps they are married.  Perhaps they are not.  But in any case it is certain, they are both living happily ever after.”

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My hope is that Carsie’s youthful yet wise insights will restore some kind of faith in love – after the love-bashing (I just can’t help it) in past shows.  Lord knows we can use optimism whenever we can get it, and Carsie’s “pop giggle and groove” (as her email signature reads) always gives me something to smile about.  Which in my world is better than gold.

Those who listen to the end will hear a special treat – the full recording of her song ‘Crazy For Love.’

Enjoy!

xo~Amy

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~Amy

* The only way to tell that this is a new year’s eve special is by reading this footnote…. Happy New Year’s!

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But since then, when I’ve repeated this, I’ve heard many an avid argument that “that is SO totally NOT true.”  So, I stand corrected (and am glad I had the fortune to learn “the easy way” – ie, by being told about bad sex, rather than having to endure it myself.)

Anyway, this podcast isn’t about bad sex, just boring sex.

But first, we must find out what “boredom” is, and what “sex” is.

(It’s never as simple as it seems.)

ALSO thanks to Heather Childs and Frankie, for sharing her glorious Amens with us (and with the world).

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(Don’t worry, it’s just a link to wikipedia).

Thanks for listening!

(And for commenting.)

(Which reminds me, how come I’m the only one with a photo? I must have done that somehow, but now I forget… Anyone know anything about such mysteries?)

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If you have a non-monogamous lifestyle or relationship and want to be a part of her study, Brittany would love to hear from you at bgriebling@asc.upenn.edu. (She accidentally added an extra “@” when she said her email over the air, but most people can probably figure out that email addresses don’t have two @s in them… right?)

Thanks Brittany!

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Would the world be a happier and more peaceful place without love?  I guess that’s what I was thinking when I recorded this podcast.   Some days I am more cynical than others.

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