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Sex&Love35: Needs 'n' Stuff


More meandering!

Today’s topics include…
-Is it a boundary violation to intrude on someone’s false self?
-How do you distinguish another person’s true self from their false self?
-What do healthy adult humans really need?
-Can being “in love” be a part of a healing path?

And in the end Amy confesses some of her deepest desires… to hide and to be alone.  So then why the heck do you have this podcast? Daniel asks.  I KNOW RIGHT!? (And out loud I said, politely, “Yeah well, it’s been a struggle…”)

Yours in blah blah blah,

8 comments to Sex&Love35: Needs ‘n’ Stuff

  • Alice Klein

    Great podcast.
    I’ll start with the end song. I’ve been enjoying hearing Daniels repetoire of songs, and this one, the broken mirror song I liked a lot.

    The main point in this discussion that was validating and helpful to me personally is that I have a desire to be around people, BUT, and it is a big, big but, only if they are sane and kind people. And the way Daniel describes it works for me too. And it’s so frustrating, and feels like a conflicting desire so often when there’s plenty of people all around that I could spend my time with but choose not to cause it would be harmful to my health to do so, cause the large majority of the people on the planet are insane and even when they think they are being nice they are not being truely kind in the way that I mean, cause they are not health enough to even know what true kindness is about!
    So bla, bla bla :-) I could go on about this, but for now I’ll say Thanks Daniel and Amy for being the wonderful people that you are and sharing your thoughts via these podcasts.

  • Sean

    Hey Amy,

    Fantastic show! I think you and Daniel should to go full time with this as a radioshow, although I can imagine people crashing their cars listening to this on the drive to work! : ) Anyway, I heard Daniel mention attaining “perfection” in one of the older casts. I believe that perfectionism is a false self demand on the true self. That is your fasle self placing un reasonable goals in front of your true self so you’ll beat yourself and always be in a state of “thats not good enough.” I’m curious to hear Daniel’s thoughs on this specifically because he has spent over 20 years on self knowledge and still sees himself as traumatized to a certain degree.

  • Sean

    After more thought on perfectionism I’d like to add this: If you were to demand perfection from a child it would be considered abusive for obvious reasons. So if our true selves are essentially the personality, the core of truth that we are born with then isn’t it just as abusive to expect it perfect as an adult?

    Even if you get to the stage where you are “perfectly” or totally honest with yourself. The perfectionist might say “well I was totally honest with myself but…I wasn’t as fast with the honesty as possible.” I feel a bit anxious writing this as I don’t want to mis represent Daniel views so I’ll leave it at that. Thanks!

  • Derek Vernon Smith

    Yay! After listening to the happiness podcasts and turning the information over in my mind for a couple of weeks, I have just updated my dating profile (I know…) to “just friendship”. I have established a good connection with someone nearby who is busy dating other guys for sex, and she is interested in pursuing a friendship with me, so I am really excited about having the opportunity to explore that. I have always enjoyed having woman friends, but it was forever problematic in the past, whereas I now feel I have a far greater opportunity for happiness. Thanks peeps!

  • amychilds


  • Randy

    “How do you distinguish another person’s true self from their false self?”

    I offer that there’s no such thing as false self any more than there is a ‘false reality’.

    When one acts in an unfamiliar way perhaps it’s not ‘one’s preferred self’ but true and authentic are funny words because one never quite knows whether they mean conventional or existential.

    For example a knock-off handbag isn’t authentic , because it’s a knock-off, but it really truly is exactly that, an authentic knock-off.

    Similarly, if I choose to lie it doesn’t mean it’s a false-me just because it makes me feel bad. It was my choice, regardless that there may be external circumstances.

    So I think the objective way to know ‘true self’ is really perhaps about being consistent/predictable rather than authentic.

    I think I’m saying that ‘being who I really am’ is malleable and really comes down to a preference rather than some pre-fixed trait.

    Love what Daniel says about using others weaknesses as a rational fuel to counter-attack and attempt to self-validate. Certainly a breakdown of integrity.

  • Kyle C

    Is preference chosen or not?
    If it is chosen, who is choosing it?
    If it is not chosen, then it must be pre-existing.

  • Erica

    Just popping in to say that, although I’m late to the new season, I’m really enjoying it. I am, however, having some disagreements in my brain with Daniel, which I think is pretty cool. I think my main problem so far (still haven’t made it through all the earlier ones, so we’ll see), has to do with what Randy’s saying. I think drawing a distinction between a “true self” and a “false self” can just be so harmful. It draws such a fast distinction in the mind that just makes zero sense to me. To me (baggage alert) it’s just another way of saying “spiritual” or “natural”, or “good” and “evil”. That kind of compartmentalization seems so contrary to my reality of what it is to be healthy (at the moment). THAT being said, I’m off just now to listen to the episodes actually about that, so perhaps I will revise my knee-jerk reaction.

    I don’t remember which podcast it was, but Daniel was talking about how disassociation can often look like enlightenment…so what’s the point of even having enlightenment as a goal, if we can so easily just use disassociation as a mask? I’m having trouble articulating at the moment, but there’s something about privileging “deep thoughts”, or even enlightenment/healthiness that seems really personally damaging to me, or at least has great potential to be used against oneself.

    Ok. Off to listen to the rest, both earlier and later. Maybe I’ll write an email, once I have my thoughts figured out.

    The basic point? Still loving the podcast! And Amy, you’re wicked smart. Yep.

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